Among social media venues, we all know that Twitter was invented for the sole purpose of allowing anonymous comedians to share their brilliance with us through the medium of pithy, 140-character witticisms...right? I mean, what else is it good for (besides reading Azealia Banks’ rants)?
Guys. Hold up. Hear me out. Pumpkin flavored pumpkins. Who's with me?— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) October 2, 2015
Above: an example of one of those pithy, 140-character witticisms. Also an example of Twitter’s more...normal style of humor. As opposed to the humorous surrealists common on the website, like @dril.
oh, youvve read a few academic papers on the matter? cute. i have read over 100000 posts.— wint (@dril) October 3, 2015
Those are the tweets that make Twitter worth reading. Not, I’ll readily admit, my blog post promotions or tweets about making cinnamon rolls or some shit. I am not “good” at Twitter. So naturally, I get excited when I stumble across an account that is.
Take, for example, @rejectedapclass.
AP Smashing the Patriarchy— Rejected AP Classes (@rejectedapclass) July 6, 2015
I don’t know about you, but I sure wish my school had an AP class in smashing the patriarchy. I’d absolutely crush it.
Unfortunately, the account hasn’t tweeted since the first of September, which makes me sad. It was my only source for classes that had been cooked up by the diabolical minds over at College Board and discarded, to the great dismay of high school students everywhere.
AP Beyoncé— Rejected AP Classes (@rejectedapclass) May 14, 2015
Seriously though—who wouldn’t want to take AP Beyoncé? Goddamit, College Board. You really fucked up with that one.
So, lacking new posts from @rejectedapclass to satisfy my need for pithy Twitter humor, I’ve been thinking up some AP class ideas of my own. (All those College Board reps out there, you better be listening.)
First of all—AP Layer Cakes. Beginning with simple naked cakes and building up to tiered wedding cakes covered in elaborate buttercream flowers and flourishes, you’ll be up all night studying frosting techniques, every night until the exam...but it will be totally worthwhile when you don’t have to take a couple introductory classes at pastry school. A set of major sweet teeth and an electric stand mixer are the only prerequisites.
Or how about AP Procrastination? Learn the most advanced techniques for putting off work, household chores, and even necessary hygienic tasks. By the end of the class, you’ll probably have absorbed nothing—because you were so busy putting off studying, you lazy dumbfuck.
Maybe there ought to be an AP Pumpkin Spice, where you delve into the elaborate social, political, and economic histories of the perennial fall flavor and its importance in modern race and gender relations. In this class, we answer questions like, Is pumpkin spice “basic”? Is it sexist to associate femininity with a popular latte flavor? and How much pumpkin spice is too much?
|Too much. source|
Or consider AP Hipsterdom. Explore the sociological causes of the “hipster” phenomenon and its dire implications for modern society. Through this class, you will learn how to be the ultimate hipster yourself by drinking PBR, listening to underground folk music, wearing plaid and scarfs (or, for more advanced students, plaid scarfs), and growing out your beard (females exempt from this portion of the course). Passing students will be afforded the opportunity to move to the most hipster-rific cities in the country at reduced cost.
Or—okay, College Board, you gotta get on this—AP Not Being a Dick. Probe the causes of dickishness in political, workplace, social, and even online environments, from insecurity to childhood abuse to plain old self-righteousness. Students will investigate ways to overcome these challenges to Not Be a Dick and treat others with respect, whether or not they agree with others’ ideological perspectives and assertions. After passing the course, graduating students will be fully prepared to face a world full of Dicks and manage dickishness in all of its forms.
Yeah, I think I need that last one.
|He's already failed. source|
And one more: AP Macaronage. I could use that too.
|C+. See me after class.|
This is my third macaron recipe on the blog, after these glorious cayenne chocolate macarons and mint chocolate chip macarons, and the umpteenth time I’ve actually made these goddamn cookies. They’re finicky and uncooperative, especially with the Ener-g egg replacer version that I use (no shame—really), and they never seem to come out the way I want. But these? I was pretty happy.
I used a simple macaron shell with a bit of rosewater folded in, plus some rosy-pink buttercream with more rosewater. The result is a fragrant, delicate-tasting cookie perfect for tea time.
|Fancy plate necessary.|
My heart will always be with cocoa-flavored treats, but these cookies manage to prove that you don’t need chocolate for a delicious macaron. Believe it or not.
Don’t be intimidated by the long recipe. These are actually quite simple to whip up, if you’re patient and don’t freak out if your cookies aren’t perfect. Macarons don’t actually need to be perfect to be delicious. Sure, having those cute little feet on the bottoms of your cookies is a bonus, but they don’t have much to do with the flavor. (If you ignore every fancy-pants French pastry chef ever.)
Here’s the recipe.
Vegan rose macarons
Adapted from Vegan Desserts by Hannah Kaminsky
24 grams • Ener-g egg replacer • 3 tablespoons
120 grams • water • ½ cup
50 grams • granulated sugar • ¼ cup
210 grams • powdered sugar • 1 ¾ cup plus 2 tablespoons
128 grams • almond flour • 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons
8 grams • rosewater • 2 teaspoons
112 grams • vegan butter, softened • ½ cup
180 grams • powdered sugar • 1 ½ cups
15 grams • coconut milk, full-fat • 1 tablespoon
3 grams • salt • ½ teaspoon
2 grams • rosewater • ½ teaspoon
Beet puree, for coloring
In the bowl of an electric stand mixer, beat Ener-g mixture until a fairly tight foam has been formed, about 3 minutes. Slowly start sprinkling in granulated sugar, a spoonful at a time. Beat for another 4 to 5 minutes or until a fluffy, glossy meringue has been achieved. Add rosewater and mix for another minute to incorporate.
Meanwhile, combine powdered sugar and almond flour in a food processor. Pulse a few times until all lumps have been broken up and mixture is fully incorporated. Sift the mixture through a fine sieve into a large bowl.
One scoop at a time, fold Ener-g meringue mixture into almond flour mixture. Keep folding until the batter forms very thick, very slowly dissolving ribbons.
Transfer batter to a piping bag fitted with a medium round tip. Pipe 1 to 2-inch circles of batter on a parchment-lined baking sheet, about 1 inch apart each. Use a finger dipped in water to tap down any peaks on the batter.
Let these shells sit at room temperature for about 1 ½ hours. They will develop a “skin” which will help the macarons not burst into a big mess of sadness in the oven.
Finally—preheat oven to 300 degrees F. Bake macarons for about 9 to 11 minutes, or until the tops are dry and they have begun to form the so-called “feet” characteristic of macarons. Let cool completely on baking sheets before transferring to a wire rack. In the meantime, make the frosting.
To start, place vegan butter in the bowl of an electric stand mixer and beat until smooth. With mixer on low speed, spoon in powdered sugar and mix until combined. Add coconut milk, salt, rosewater, and a touch of beet puree and beat on medium-high until light and fluffy, about 3 minutes.
Fill macaron shells with frosting. Munch. Macarons can be stored in the freezer while you work on eating them all.
|Elegant as fuck.|
For more rose-infused recipes, see the below links.
Rosewater Victorian sponge cake with mixed berry jam. Another teatime favorite.
Rosewater raspberry swirl meringues. Light and ethereal.
Brownie mega cake with raspberry, rosewater, and cookie dough. Not the daintiest thing ever, but whatever.